I honestly wasn’t sure I’d make a contribution this time around, but I gave myself a challenge I just didn’t feel right walking away from. I had to dig into my dark side, a bit, on this one. I challenged myself to write from the POV of a villain but struggled to find a villain I could relate to. In the end, I created an anti-hero (sort of); someone who is clearly in the wrong, but thinks what they are doing is justified for a worthy cause. Hopefully, it doesn’t come off too forced. I’d love feedback on this because this is a learning project and will help me hone my skill as a writer.
4/24/19 Update- This story has been edited and altered based on feedback received in the comments of this post; click here to see the original submission.
The Marble Collector
He wasn’t easy to find. Most of these guys come to me, but when things are slow, I go hunting. I spent hours scouring the web for ads and missed connections with just the right words and clues. I used to hate that these guys were so good at speaking in code, but now it’s part of the fun.
I enjoy the thrill of stalking my prey. Sometimes, the hardest part is picking just one to take down. The one I have my sights on now is probably the juiciest morsel yet.
There he is, now, exiting his place of business, just like clockwork. Stepping onto the pavement as though he’d escaped some terrible fate. Immediately pulling his tie away from his neck and shaking his head, to clear away the dullness of reality before walking to his car to begin living out his wildest fantasies.
~
This is where Mr. Lion will meet The Marble Collector. Right here in his home. Standing here watching him sleep like a baby, one would never guess the horrific acts that fuel his fantasies. Soon, though, everyone will know.
I’ve gathered all the evidence; photos, videos, IP addresses, “secret” IMs and DMs (guess his firewall isn’t as good as me). It’s all here and ready to be put on display for the world to see…
And when they see this lion for the coward he truly is, everyone will rest easier knowing that another monster has been put down.
~
This used to be my least favorite part of the challenge, but over the years, I’ve grown to appreciate it. I mean, there is something to be said about Retail Therapy. Today, I drove one hundred miles east of Mr. Lion’s home to buy supplies. The usual things such as heavy-duty garbage bags, plastic lining, gloves, etc.
The hardest part of this hunt is always finding the right container for the evidence. I’d resorted to using a cheap knickknack box a while back and have kept up the tradition ever since. It was so comical the way the news journalist tried to piece together the significance of the box. Some thought it was a memento the monster had given one of his victims and that the victim was his killer. When I used a similar box the next time, the News finally began to report me as a serial killer.
Serial Killer is not a term I associate myself with, but if it helps to keep more monsters from coming out of the woods to attack the innocent, I’ll own it. Besides, I’m not the bad guy. I take down the bad guys.
~
He came home late, as usual. Slipping into his own back door so his neighbors have no idea the kind of fantasy life he lives. Stripped down from soiled clothes immediately placed in the washing machine, he was annoyed when it didn’t turn on. He decided to take his shower and address the clothes later. After he woke to find himself bound and gagged, I explained that I’d disabled the washing machine earlier so there’d be a blood trail leading back to his latest victim.
I used to not be able to do the last part of my ritual while the monster was still breathing, but now, I savor the moment when I scoop out the monster’s eyes. The same eyes used to glare at and ogle his victims. They will go nicely with my collection.
~
Ugh, this guy has been walking around for half an hour pretending like he’s into this stuff. I know what he really wants. Wish he would just go ahead and ask.
“Excuse me. This your store?”
I pull a strand of hair behind my ear and smile. “Sure is. Been into sci-fi and fantasy ever since I was a kid.”
His face lights up. “Whoa, really? Don’t know too many chi…, I mean, women who are into this stuff.”
I shrug, “Times are changing. Ain’t no shame in liking what you like, right?” I wink.
Just then a pack of kids comes through the door. “Heard you got some crazy cool marbles here.” I point to the side wall next to the window. I want to show these boys around, but I’m about to hook a new prey.
“Ah hem,” he lowers his head and whispers, “I heard you carry old photographs here. The kind you can’t really get anywhere else. Photos of some real out-of-this-world stuff.”
I smile, got him, and show him a card. “Read this, memorize it quickly. Make an appointment and don’t come back into the store without buying something. It looks better that way.”
He stares at the card, then rushes out the door. I walk up to the group of boys who all seem to have made their selections but are all just standing around the large jewel case behind the glass. I know exactly what they want.
“So, I guess you boys want to see my exclusive collection of realistic eye-ball marbles before you make your purchases don’t you?”
~
“Monsters, they think they are powerful because they take what they see and use and abuse it ‘til it’s gone. I know better. I take away their sight and show the world the cowards they really are.” ~ The Marble Collector
FCA-927-words- The Marble Collector 2019 Copyright © Toinette J. Thomas
Thanks to Jamie of uniquely maladjusted, I’ve turned this story into an unofficial Dexter fan fiction. I supposed this could be the story of what happens to Lumen Ann Pierce once she leaves Dexter.
Please visit other entries in this hop and enjoy some funny, scary, touching, and thought-provoking stories. You’ll be so glad you did.
Thank you for taking the time to read this post. If you like it let me know and share it with others. See you next time, Toi Thomas. #thetoiboxofwords
54 replies on “Jewel Box #WEPFF Challenge featuring The Marble Collector #amwriting #flashfiction”
Nasty, clever, and excellent.
This will stay with me, and have me thinking/rethinking the good/bad guys equation.
I’m glad you liked it. Maybe next time I’ll be able to capture a true villain, but this character was still a challenge to write. Even with good intentions, doing what this character does is just grusome.
Nice and creepy!!!
Getting in the head of a true villain is a challenge but it sure can be fun!
My suggestion might be to skip the 1st paragraph and start right in with the 2nd – I like that line as a hook!
Thanks for the suggestion Jemi. Are you saying I should start with the line, “I enjoy the thrill of stalking my prey…” and skip the quote or should I start with the line, “He wasn’t easy to find.”?
I’m not sure she is an anti-hero. She is some sort of vigilante, and I applaud her determination to rid the world of monsters. Her methods though… they’re questionable. If she just killed the guys quietly, without collecting her ‘marbles’, she would be a true hero.
Thanks for the feedback Olga. I agree that she’s twisted. I wasn’t sure if she really was an antihero or not. I knew she was going after bad guys, but she was enjoying it way too much. She’s definitely in the wrong, but doing something with a good intention. This is new territory for me. I’ll keep working at it and perhaps I’ll hone the villain pov down the road.
Feeling creeped out by a twisted character. I’ve just been reading about the psychology of vigilante-types and this one fits the profile – although most are not as devious as yours. Few stray too far over the line, preferring to let the media/social media wield the killer blow. The ones that become serial killers usually get caught as they bask in their deeds. Maybe not yours though.
I’d be okay with her getting caught because she enjoys what she does way to much.
Congratulations on your runner-up win – and for writing ‘outside your comfort zone’, Toi. It worked so well.
Thank you. I had no idea it would work out this well.
Wow, Toi. This was really good. Very creepy and yet I loved the underlying theme of justice–one of my favorites.
Thank you C. Lee. This was a difficult project. In 3rd person I could easily write about someone like this and detach myself, but 1st person was creepy. A great learning experience. Glad you liked it.
Oooh, so very dark! I love it. A female Dexter type story. Great work.
A comparison to Dexter is a true compliment. I always struggled to love-hate that character and loved watching that show. He was the underlining inspiration here, someone who is clearly in the wrong but thinks justice is on their side.
I very seldom read a dark story. Yours is one that I read. Your intention to climb into a villain skin was successful.
Shalom aleichem,
Pat G
Thank you Pat. I tried to take the approach that not all villains start off as pure evil. I think many of them start out with good intentions and then take things too far to turn back from. My character could easily start changing her targets, but as long as I’m writing her, she’ll always seek “other monsters” like herself (whether she sees it that way or not).
This is a chilling story. The main character’s motivation and justification of her actions were reasoned and considered, like all of her actions. It’s a horrifying story, but really well done!
Thank you. I’m glad it came off horrifying, in a good way. I didn’t want it to feel too forced. This type of story is a work in progress for me. Right now, this is as close to a villain pov I can get, but this has helped me to aim for that true villain down the road.
Seriously creepy. Is an eye for an eye justice or does it make the whole world blind? You’ve nailed the POV. Excellent work.
Just a thought – does the story need the sub-headings? I found them a distraction, they broke up the flow. Please consider whether using section separators might work better.
I’m glad you liked the story, Nila. Thank you for the feedback. I went back and forth over the headings and separators, it finally came down to a flip of the coin. I can see how they could intrude on the story flow. I’ll reconsider this if I do a rewrite or continue the story.
Scary…
I know, it’s not October. Didn’t mean to go dark, but I had a self-imposed challenge to complete. Thanks for reading it.
Hi Toi – well you had us all hooked … I will now be wondering about marbles and looking into jewel boxes. Ghastly story … but I really ‘enjoyed’ reading it – creepy and scary …
Thanks Hilary. I had a completely different idea for this prompt until I gave myself the villain pov challenge on another blog post. I honestly think this one was better.
This was so good! I love the way the story unfolded, and the ending was perfect! She is clearly doing horrific things, but I can also understand why she does the things she does. Well done!
Thanks L.G. I’m taking baby steps on the path to writing acts of evil from the pov of the villain and this was the perfect first step. I’m glad you liked it.
Creepy but complex. Isn’t she just as bad as the perpetrators? She decided to take the law into her own hands – why? There’s probably a back story.
Yes, she’s not really a hero, but she thinks she is. I feel as though there is more to her story, but this is all I came up with for my personal challenge and the WEP prompt.
Somehow I feel she likes the evil too much, so she has progressed from her earlier pure motives to the impure. I was intrigued by the sub heads and in this type of story I don’t think you need them. I liked the quotes but maybe just one at the end? I’d flip the two beginning paragraphs. Start with the second, then morph into the first.
I think you’re going to have a successful foray into the world of the villain, Toi. Well done.
Thanks for the tips Denise. This is the kind of feedback I need. It seems that less is more works best for this piece. Glad you liked it.
Yikes! Sort of like if Dexter ran a curio shop instead of working as a coroner. I liked it!
Yep. I was kind of thinking of Dexter, but feel that this character would have a much different origin. Glad you liked it, Cara.
I enjoyed the dark tone of this. As a marble-collector myself, I also enjoyed the marbles aspect.
Thanks, Carrie-Anne. Glad you liked it.
Whoa, scary indeed. I was confused when you transferred to the store owner, but then it jelled. I think a lot of us would like abusive, rapist, bigots, etc. to have to pay but we’re to afraid to voice that out loud. For your first horror, you did a great job.
Nancy
Thanks, Nancy. For me, the idea of serving up this kind of justice is most scary because it turns the vigilante into a monster as well. Glad you liked it.
Your story is a good reminder that a villain can be a protagonist. And that all antagonists seem themselves as protagonists, or heroes. Nice work.
Thank you. I think that was the point of the challenge, though I didn’t realise it at first.
Ooh. Creepy! *shudders*
Now I’m picturing a row of eye-ball marbles glaring from behind the glass.
You did a great job. It didn’t feel forced at all.
Thank you Michelle. I appreciate the feedback.
Congrats on your WEP runner up award.
To think that this is a learning project that you ‘almost didn’t submit’.
Digging deep and pushing yourself in a new direction has paid off. Well done.
Thank you. This was definitely a challenge for me, but maybe this is a sign for me to challenge myself more.
*pretends to google “what happened to Julia Stiles character ‘Lumen Ann Pierce’ after her character left Dexter”*
*finds this story*
😉
Nice one.
Wow, I think this is a really cool compliment. Lumen said she was over all this when she left, but what if she just wanted to go at it alone, in her own way. Hadn’t considered that.
Didn’t expect that, a vigilante who collects eyeballs. You did go to your dark side. . .but it’s terribly entertaining.
Thank you. The marble/eye-ball thing was a last-minute addition. Someone else mentioned earlier that it represented eye-for-an-eye justice and that’s true. I wanted my vigilante to take things too far, to show that they were in the wrong and so I took the victims’ eyes. At the last minute, I decided something needed to be done with all those missing eyes.
Chilling, but also kind of fun, in a very creepy way. Definitely no black and white here in terms of what’s good and what’s evil.
Thanks. Glad you liked it.
I thought it was going well till it jumped. I wonder whether I should go back and read the original? I really like the premise, though. Sorry for being so late… definitely took too much on this April!
No worries Jemima. Thanks for checking it out.
Huge congratulations on your WEP award.
Thank you. It really means a lot.
I’m loving the creepiness, Toi (big surprise). It’s been a long time since I’ve watched Dexter, but I thoroughly enjoyed your story.
I’m glad you liked it.