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Most people assume that if you are an introvert that nothing is a big deal to you. In fact it’s quite the opposite. Just because someone doesn’t shout from the mountain tops or constantly tweet about their passions doesn’t mean they don’t have them.
I’ve been blogging and writing long enough for most people who’ve ever heard of me, let alone have met me, to know that writing is one of my passions, but there are still some who seemed to be completely blindsided by this. I guess it’s another case of me being overlooked by those around me; unfortunately I’m used to that now. However, that’s not what’s currently bothering me.
Right now I’m kind of sad, but mostly annoyed, that I can’t do all the things I have a great desire to do for a number of different reasons.
1. My life isn’t bad and though I’m getting back on track after a recent loss, I really can’t complain too much. There is one problem with that; I’m never happy unless I’m writing, but I can’t afford to write like I’d prefer (that’s another issue I’ll address in a moment). In essence, I suffer and constantly struggle with depression even though no one I know, including my family, seems to want to believe or accept that. The problem with depression is that you don’t typically need a good reason to feel it. It comes over you for no reason. When trying to find the courage and energy to get up and take a shower makes you cry, it’s not something that should be ignored. Alas, I have up to this point been able to pray and write my way down the straight and narrow, but it’s hard. I wish I could not have to battle depression.
2. Back to me not being able to write like I want to. I don’t have kids so that’s not an excuse I’m going to throw out, but I honestly don’t know how people with children get anything done. At this point in my “career” (cause apparently there’s debate as to where you have a hobby or career based on how much money you make) I am working a full-time day job and then coming home and writing and blogging full-time too (that means I’m putting in about 35-40 hours of each task a week). If I told that my home is sometimes in complete disarray, would you be surprised? I actually enjoy cooking and baking, but I can’t do those things and have time to write and go to work, the way I’d like. I wish I could not have to work a full-time day job (Don’t all writers wish this?).
3. This next matter is a result of the first too. I’m tired all the time. Healthy diet and exercise are a dream most of the time, but when I’m in the zone I do really well. Despite all my best efforts, no matter what I do, I am always tired. I’m not talking about being a little sluggish and grumpy (though don’t throw those out), I’m talking about being exhausted to the point where my body starts to breakdown, I pass out, and I get painful headaches. I wish I could not be so tired all the time.
4. On a completely different note, I’m currently feeling singled out in my efforts to do good. I think I’ll be putting together something soon to promote a charity that has really become near and dear to my heart, but for now I’m still trying to figure out how to go about it. I had an idea that was shot down by many of my writer friends, but none of them were cruel about it. I understood their reasoning and respect their decisions, but I guess I was a little disappointed that more weren’t interested. I guess in the end I have to accept that my passion isn’t everyone else’s. The truth is I think my desire to make a difference just wasn’t strong enough to outweigh my insecurities. I guess I thought I needed to have the support of others to be able to pursue this venture because I’m painfully aware of just how little influence I have…In any case, I will do something, whether it is a success or not, and I’ll be glad and proud that I did. I wish I could not be so afraid and insecure about putting myself out there to make a difference.
In conclusion, I realize that I just can’t have it all- no matter how badly I may want it.
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Thank you for taking the time to read this post. If you like it let me know and share it with others. See you next time, Toi Thomas. #thetoiboxofwords