This time around, I took the writing prompt to heart and made sure to actually include the words in my story. I hope you find this piece amusing and will consider the request I’ve posted at the end. So glad to be back in the WEP challenge again. It’s the best writing challenge I’ve come across.
~
Anybody, Save Me
How can my throat be so parched when I’m surrounded by water? No matter how hard I try I keep gulping down pounds and pounds of sharp grains. Throbbing constricts my efforts to push forward. My nostrils blister as the particles scratch and burn my nasal passage. The notion of weightlessness is but a faint, cruel, memory now. My feet are lead; my hands are clawing nubs. Coarseness rushes to my lungs and punches out any remaining air leaving behind only a saline sludge. Stabbing blindness and stinging deafness are also claimed by the sludge and I know now, I’m in way too deep. This must be what it feels like to drown at sea.
But, wait. There’s something pulling me. It’s pulling me down even further than I thought possible, aiding the death that lingers in my final thoughts. No one should have to experience their last seconds of existence so vividly. Why – am – I – not – dead – ye…?
>Ping<
What was that? Where am I? Why aren’t I dead?
>Ping. Ping.<
Wait. I can see. I can hear. What the heck? I can breathe, but I’m still under water. Wonder if I can talk?
Yep. I must still be pretty deep. All the colors are somehow a bit grey. But… it’s not cold. At least I don’t feel cold. He he he. I do feel weightless though. I feel like I could float, maybe even fly. Ha ha he he. There’s no reason I should be feeling this good. Pretty sure I just drowned to death, but …
Whoa, am I seriously bound? What the effen heck is happening? Why am I chained to the – the – I guess, the sea floor?
>Ping. Ping. Glur glur. Glur glur. Wooosssssssshhhhh.<
“Ah, there you are. You’re awake.”
Did I seriously just see a green fish person whoosh up to me? “What the holy heck are you?”
“Oh, my love. My sweet mortal. I am your savior?”
“Uh, no you’re not.” Are its eyes fluttering at me? “You’re some magic welding sea monster who brought me back from a death I was just beginning to accept. Please, I beg you. Send me back to my doom?”
“Aren’t you silly. I know this will be quite an adjustment, but once you acclimate, everything will be fine. You’ll see. You’ll be happy here with me.”
“No. This isn’t right. I died. I should be dead.” I sure as heck shouldn’t be trapped by a sea monster. “I’m guessing you’re a nice sea monster and all, but I’m pretty certain what’s dead is supposed to stay that way.”
“First of all, I’m not a monster; just because I look different from you. Secondly, you died a horrible death and I saved you. Would you really rather go back to being a bloated sinking corpse?
A bloated corpse sounds terrible, but if I’m dead, it’s not like I’ll know. This situation, on the other hand, is downright scary. “Sorry, you’re right. I had no right to call you a monster. It’s just that I’m not used to talking to creatures with scales and green skin. Oh, is creature offensive?”
“No, creature is fine. Besides, you’re my favorite creature in all the world. That’s why I saved you.”
“But, don’t you see. You didn’t save me. You brought me back to life. Why would you do that?”
>Ping. Ping.<
“Oh goodness me. I’m so glad I set these alarms. We’ll be late if we don’t hurry.”
“Late for what? You haven’t told me why you brought me back. And while you’re at it, why can I breathe underwater now?”
“Oh you, silly guppy. We’ll have our whole lives to learn about each other. We really must hurry.”
“What do you mean we have our whole lives? Please, for all that is decent in this crazy world, will you tell me what’s going on?”
“Fine. If you must know, I’m Fae of the sea. I grant wishes from time to time. And your wish was irresistible.”
“My wish? What wish?”
“Your last dying request. ‘Somebody, anybody, save me! My lover’s trying to kill me! Save me, please! Save me! I’ll do anything to repay you!’”
“Wait. I didn’t say those words to you. I was pleading for my life. I was being thrown overboard. I wanted someone to pull me out.”
“Well, I heard your plea, and unfortunately I can’t pull people out. I can only pull them down. I also can’t restore human lives, but I can reshape a mortal soul into something else. You have been given a second chance. A new life among the merfolk. A life you will spend wed to me.”
“Wait, merfolk? Wed? What the holy…” I can’t believe a scaly webbed hand just mushed my face.
“Sorry, we don’t look like your human fairy tales. But when you live this deep, what do you expect?
~
816 words in progress– Anybody, Save Me 2018 Copyright © Toinette J. Thomas
So, I tried something a little different this time. I wanted to be as descriptive as possible while not using any gender-specific words. I was hoping to tell a story where the reader could decide for themselves the sex/gender of the characters, but I’m not really sure if I pulled it off. I’ve seen other writers try to use gender-neutral pronouns, but most of these efforts have left me feeling disconnected from the story. When I thought I didn’t like romance and could never write it, I challenged myself to dive in and do it. While the work I produced may not be award-winning, it’s not too bad and it’s made me appreciate the genre and those who write it so much more. So that’s what I’m trying today. I’m diving in to see if I can write a gender-neutral story and have it actually make sense. Please let me know if this worked or not; this really is a learning experience for me.
Updated 2/28/18
If anyone is interested in the finale to my five-part series, Music My Muse, head over to A Small Gang of Authors to check it out.
Thank you for taking the time to read this post. If you like it let me know and share it with others. See you next time, Toi Thomas. #thetoiboxofwords
47 replies on “In Too Deep #WEPFF Challenge No. 6 featuring Anybody, Save Me #amwriting #flashfiction”
You did a great job! I was really engrossed in the drowningportion. It was so descriptive. I really felt like I was watching someone drown.
Thank you. I drew from the experience of being thrown into a pool.
Good job, enjoyed reading.
Thank you.
Truly well done! Death is just another journey, but be careful what you wish for even at the moment of death! I’ll consider taking you up on your challenge – no gender identifiers but a romantic piece. Now that’s a challenge!
Thanks. I wanted to try something new and stretch myself.
I did think the person drowning was a woman and the creature male and not sure why but I think we read things from our own perspective. I liked that the creature saved her but not so much that she had to be wed to it/him forever. Story is very imaginative.
It’s good that you imagined the story the way you did. There is no right or wrong. I wanted each reader to see the characters the way they wanted to.
I read a post recently about character descriptions in books and how many times writers would not describe the characters in detail. It was left to the reader’s imagination and that is why when a book is made into a film many times people will say they did not think the actors looked like the characters they had envisioned. This sounds like that phenomenon to me. 🙂
Yeah, that’s kinda what I was going for, but also I wanted the reader to be able to decide who was “saving” who. Too often I feel I write either catering to social norms or against them. I wanted to see if I could be neutral.
That was a good story. I like your approach to ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder’ theme. Of course, while green and scaly seems a monster to a human eye, it wouldn’t be to a sea fae. They probably consider us monsters with our ways to pollution anything we touch.
Yes, I wanted to try an alternative to “norms”; beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder.
I loved your story. I am sorry to say that I immediately thought of it being a man and a woman and the man saved the woman. So, I am the worse person in the world to ask to read a gender free story. I flunk it every time. However, your narrative descriptions are spot on. And I was waiting for her to transform into her green mermaid boldy.
Shalom aleichem,
Pat G
I actually imagined the story as a mermaid saving a human man, but thought I’d let the reader decide. It could be any person saving any person, truly.
Toi,
I meant her green mermaid body, and not boldy.
Shalom aleichem,
Pat G
I thought so. 😉
Great descriptive writing of the sensation of drowning. Bringing an odd light and a second chance in an unexpected way. Would be a great start into something larger as she adjust to her new life. Great job.
Hadn’t thought about expanding the story concept, but maybe I will.
Hi Toi – certainly an interesting and very different take on the prompt. This could develop into a series or fuller storyline … I too wouldn’t like to be dragged down to live on in a place I didn’t understand … but fascinating to read – good luck and cheers – Hilary
Thank you. I’m trying out a lot of new themes with this one, so I’m glad readers seem to be liking it.
anyone save me
no gender I see
a merfolk can
be eather to me
now they’ll live at
the botom of the sea
until something eats them
that’s as big as can be
Cool. Thanks for the rhyme. Guess that means you liked it?
I liked it
Thank you.
One really needs to watch what they say, even in death. It turned out great indeed. Challenging one’s self is always the best way, as that’s how we grow and learn new things.
Thank you. I think I’ll try to challenge myself more. It feels good to try something new.
lol, it did make me smile, and laugh a little. Careful what you wish for . . .
I did not notice the gender neutral stuff; my mind naturally made the drowner female – likely cuz I’m a girl – and the sea creature male – cuz I’m heterosexual. I don’t think I could have read much further without the clarification however. It worked well for me as a flash.
Sometimes, I have experimented with writing in venue’s that I totally dislike, just to see if I can write it better. Not sure if it is ever better, but it is my style, lol. And this is definitely your style Toi. keep expanding your skills and experience.
I’m glad you saw the characters the way you did and appreciated the story. There is no right or wrong way to imagine these characters, but if you couldn’t get into it at all, I would know that I dropped the ball somewhere.
Be careful what you wish for! even while dying…
Brilliant job on the gender neutral bit. A great Valentine story which is also an anti-Valentine story. How neat is that, wow! I liked your descriptions of drowning especially. I was so absorbed in the narrative I didn’t even realise that it was genderless. However, I automatically assumed ‘Fae’ was feminine and the person being rescued masculine, we bring our own biases right along to any reading! More used to ‘mermaid’ than ‘merman’ I guess…
Kudos on an amazing take on the prompt.
The word “fae” actually means form but most people know it as another word for a fairy or magical creature. Fae come in all shapes and sizes, male and female. In some stories elves, werewolvs, and unicorns are all members of the Fae.
Glad you liked the story.
You had me cringing as the character drowned. As far as being gender neutral, being a woman and reading this I automatically became the MC so the MC was female to me as I read (if this makes any sense).
That totally makes sense. That’s why I wrote it this way, so each reader could identify with whichever character they wanted or so they could envision the characters how they wanted.
Toi, I was absorbed in the story and the humour which I loved. I loved the gender neutral perspective too. It is something I am exploring in my writing. Perhaps we could look at each other’s work from time to time.
I don’t know if I’ll incorporate this into all my writing, but it’s definitely something I want to explore with this story. After the feedback I’ve received, I think I’m ready to expand this idea and really make it integral to this story. I’d love to share ideas with you and see what you’re doing as well. If you send me a message on my contact page, we can swap emails. 😀
Hi Toi. I’ve read this as soon as you posted, but hadn’t realized I hadn’t commented! Says something about flitting between entries, doesn’t it?
First, thanks for your shout out for WEP. It’s growing into the supportive writing community I always imagined with a core of lovely, caring writers who encourage each other. No flash in the pan. I’m glad you enjoy being part of it.
Now your story. I love it when writers think outside the square, let their imagination loose, try new things…as you’ve done. But it takes longer to deal with our life-long gender conditioning. I, too, imagined a male saving a female, and why not? That’s what we’ve mostly read throughout our lives. But it doesn’t matter in terms of story, does it? A story comes alive in a reader’s imagination, and like poetry analysis, the reader may imagine something completely contrary to what the author intended.
But the story itself…your descriptions were spot on. Loved the drowning interlude and I see you drew on personal experience which has helped it sound so believable and emotional. It is an amazing story and you should extend it at the very least, into a short story. It’s too good…
Thanks!
Denise
Thank you so much Denise.
Aside from being a sporadic participant in the lovely WEP challenge (I’ll make an effort to participate more), I’m also a member of the IWSG. I’m an insecure writer through and through, but after the feedback I’ve received from this wonderful community, I feel confident in expanding this story more. I’m so grateful to the WEP challenge and community. I always get so much out of it when I participate, whether it be improving my own writing, being encouraged or inspired by others, or being reminded of the wonder and magic that is writing.
This challenge reminds me why I love to write.
Haha-hehe I liked that. I think I’d prefer to join the merfolk to drowning. And you might be able to someday drag that guy that threw you in, down to the depths as well to teach him a lesson. And you or the heroine can visit the Black Pearl from Pirates of the Caribbean! A great take on the challenge. Kudos.
Thanks. Glad you liked it.
Written beautifully and left to the imagination of readers. We shall value who saves us no matter who he or it is.
Thank you. Glad you appreciated it.
Right from the start you drew me in, or should that be down?! Delightfully different in both style and content, and a thoroughly enjoyable read.
Thank you. I’m trying something a little different, so I’m please to know you enjoyed it.
Ha! OMG, I loved this one. Cool take on being careful what you wish for. I hope you continue on with this story, because it has a great hook.
Hi Toi – congratulations on your WEP Encouragement Award … definitely worth trying different forms of writing – we never know what we’ll achieve … and here you did so well. Drowning … not for me – well done – cheers Hilary
Thank you so much.
oooo – the bits where you described drowning were much too real. Well done. Fascinating story and I think you did a great job with gender neutral pronouns – I didn’t even wonder if the person was man or woman because the story was relevant to either. Didn’t quite understand why he/she wasn’t happy to be with the merperson – i guess scarred by the murderous lover. Great entry 🙂
Thank you. Glad you liked it.