Yeah, I’m way early again this month, but I can’t do anything else with this story so I might as well post it.
Sometimes I fear my mind goes to dark places. For that reason, I try to steer clear of dark themes, yet they always seem to find me. Most of my adult fiction has some sort of dark theme, outside of my romantic efforts. This theme, for some reason, really spoke to me. Don’t know why. The day I really paid attention to what the theme was, I wrote the story below.
Just in case: you’ll see the word “ingenue”, pronounced (an – zhuh – noo) <– real phonics OR (on – zjay – new) <– my phonics, lol ;).
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The Nameless Ingenue
The nameless ingenue and the revered champion met on the dance floor, searching each other out like constellations in the night. They’d made it; together at last. She in her pearly linens clinging to her timid flesh that radiated with hope and unrequited passion. He in his clanging metals and silken coat, spread taut across his muscled form, pulsating with unquenched desire.
Their bodies drawn into one another, melting into gliding and swaying limbs. Their toes barely graced the sheen of the dance floor before their shoulders dipped into an unending embrace. Their lips pressed together in a tender massage, as though one was resuscitating the other. Their hands reaching and groping as though there were no other lovers sharing the dance floor.
When their lips parted, and their eyes gazed into each other’s souls, the ingenue felt something tugging at her heart. There was a subtle ache as she tore her eyes away, darting her focus around the room. Her eyes landed on a glass of Champaign with her reflection waving at her mockingly. She understood then, this is not how it was supposed to happen.
The nameless ingenue and the revered champion met on the dance floor, hungry to hold each other tightly. They’d made it; together at last. She in her white lace wrapped around her supple flesh excited to face her first lover. He in his coat of jewels and metals, sparkling with strength and confidence as he prepared to claim his prize.
Eagerly, she reached for the champion, desperate to offer him her body. Like a king at court, the champion accepted the gift of her flesh and squeezed it tight, shocking the horrified onlookers. Gasping in terror, the ingenue pleaded with her eyes and clawed at the vice grip around her body. The champion swept the floor with her dangling feet, forcing her into a deadly waltz.
Sniggering with ominous elation, the champion twisted red rings around the ingénue’s neck. The pain of betrayal sent her eyes reeling with regret and searching for understanding. With her eyelids slipping towards oblivion, she glanced at her dying body, reflected in a glass of Champaign. She understood then, this is not how it was supposed to end.
–
The nameless ingenue and the revered champion met on the dance floor, eager to claim each other’s hearts. They’d made it; together at last. She in her borrowed white gown, hugging the smooth flesh of her supple body. He in his silk coat and achievement ribbons; his chest puffed in adoration and pride.
Eyes fluttering, and hands pressed against her heart, the ingenue waited for her champion to embrace her. Boldly wrapping his arms around her waist, forgoing formalities, the champion pressed his lips against his prize. Together the lovers embraced and savored the sweetness of passion fulfilled.
When they’d drawn a sufficient crowd, the ingenue raised her hand to the champion’s neck and stabbed him with a blade that had been concealed beneath her laces. The champions body fell limp and tumbled to the floor; shock and heartbreak distorting his once handsome features. Dancing lovers parted the floor, fleeing the menace radiating in the ingenue’s eyes as the blade in her hand raised and lowered again and again.
Surrounded by horrified revelers, an ache shot through her heart and she fell to the floor searching for understanding. Hands clinching the fabric over her heart, she tossed and turned, trying to shield her eyes from the violence she rained down on her lover. She caught a glimpse at her reflection in a half-cracked glass of Champaign and she understood. The ingénue understood; this is how it was all supposed to end.
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Huddled under the elegant cloth of the banquet table, the sister’s eyes sparkled with glee. With flushed cheeks and heaving breaths, she clutched the handmade ragdolls as though her life depended on it. The dark doll had been torn down the back, its stuffing of cotton and hair spilling onto the floor. She tossed the white doll, now stained with red wine, to the end of the table’s length and sighed in relief. She had enjoyed her playtime and was satisfied with the result of her game.
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FCA- 701-words- The Nameless Ingenue 2018 Copyright © Toinette J. Thomas
Well. That’s that. Did it feel like déjà vu?
Did it make you think of Puppet Master? (I kind of had that in mind.)
Too creepy; not creepy enough?
Please, take some time to read other stories in this hop. All stories should be posted by October 17th, but early entries arrive daily. Look for any name or link with DL next to it to enjoy a short story. I guarantee you will laugh, cry, be terrified, and more.
Thank you for taking the time to read this post. If you like it let me know and share it with others. See you next time, Toi Thomas. #thetoiboxofwords
62 replies on “Déjà vu or Voodoo #WEPFF Challenge featuring The Nameless Ingenue #amwriting #flashfiction”
OMG, so well done! I loved it. You captured the prompt perfectly! Thanks, so much for participating. Your writing is always inspiring to me!
Thank you so much. I feel like I tried really hard to make it more elaborate but it didn’t sound right. Cutting it down to 700 words was tough, but I think it needed it.
Over and over in her mind she ran
What to do with her champion man
Until she worked out the kinks
Through to The bitter end
Her heart felt great Joy
With the doll she slayed
But in her Deja vu mind
Her champions’ bloody body lay
Nice. Thank you very much. This seems like it could be the thoughts playing in her head at the end.
I believe as a creator that it is important for us to explore the darker and lighter aspects of our personality and human nature. I think it is necessary for personal growth and your writing.
Thank you. I feel like I need to discover my lighter side. All my adult writing seems to have a small dark element to it. I’d like to try something lighter that isn’t a children’s story.
Toi, it seems readers like the dark elements so go for it.
Cleverly twisted interpretation of the theme. I admit that I had to read it twice to get the full impact – but that was because I forgot the Deja Vu element of the theme. I blame all the Halloween advertising. Your use of language is rich and evocative. [You’ve made me re-think my finished story – well my language.]
Two questions: 1. your phonetics guide confused me – what did I miss?; 2. Champagne or Champaign? Was that a play on words…like ingenue?
You got it. When I was writing this piece I kept missspelling ingenue and trying to sound it out was no help. Then, writing champion and champagne over and over eventually brought out champaign and my spell checker didn’t pick it up. I thought it was an interesting twist. Champagne is French and the drink featured in this story, but champaign means battlefield. I thought it was a stretch, but at least you got it.
I love how that evolved during the writing.
I know. I could never have planned that. I’m not that clever, but it was too good to pass on.
The spelling of Champain confused me too but I knew there had to be an explanation.
Yes, I figured I’d try it out for the challenge. If I were to ever publish this, I’d change the spelling. I don’t think other readers would want to read the explanation of why I used this play on words.
Puppet on a string.
Dark – and delightful. It pays second and third readings too.
I think we need the dark to properly see and appreciate the light. And vice versa.
Thanks for your words. I was concerned about the repetition, but I think it works, and I think you’re right. We need a little dark to appreciate the light.
Nicely done! Great imagery and the ending is fabulous!
Thank you. I think the ending is my favorite part.
Ouch. That’s fate at its worst. No matter how the poor nameless ingenue spins it, it always comes down as a disaster… because someone evil is pulling the strings. A great take on the prompt.
Thanks. I tried to incorporate both themes without it seeming too obvious or that I was trying too hard.
Hey Toi. Genius. Quite genius. Love the Deja Vu aspect of this story. Glad you approached it this way. I don’t pretend I wasn’t confused and wondered if you’d made a mistake, then realized it was deliberate repetition with a small twist each time. I will come back for another reading as it has depths I haven’t yet plummeted.
Thanks. I keep trying new things. I think challenging myself has allowed me to approach scenarios I never would have thought I could pull off.
I originally thought they were dancers in a music box. I loved the child’s marionette concept. This was beautifully written, and yes, exactly the perfect length. Awesome flash Toi.
Oh man. Dancers in a music box would have been really cool. Wish I’d thought of that. Still, glad you liked it. I think I’m happy with the length now. It has grown on me.
Perfect story for the prompt. Dejavú AND voodoo, and I love the twist. I did have to read it again once I read the ending, just so I can pick up on the voodoo parts. But I love that!
Thank you. The end was the hard part and probably my favorite. Figuring out that twist at the end made the rest come together.
Outstanding! The repetitive nature of your piece captured the deja vu theme perfectly, and using
the spelling of “champain” was a stroke of genius. If darkness has a way of sneaking into your writing, maybe that’s because you’re so doggone good at it. Great job!
Thank you. I really appreciate that. I’ve been working hard at honing my writing skills; maybe dabbling in dark themes is helping.
This was so good! Your use of language to set the scene was spot on, and your use of language set the scene perfectly! It’s okay, my stories tend to turn out dark, too, and I liked the dark turn this one took.
Thank you. I like playing around with language, especially word spellings and meanings. It doesn’t always work out, but I’m glad this one did well.
Like an endless loop, causing deja vu with voodoo controlling the show. A great entry and I loved the presentation you chose.
Thank you. Puppets without strings was the easy part, figuring out the deja vu element was trickier. Glad it turned out well.
Champain….well captured, Toi
Thank you. I’m so glad that part worked. I just knew it was going to mess readers up. Glad I was wrong.
I enjoyed the endless looping of the story, until your main character achieved her desired outcome. Well done.
It was a bit tricky to write. I had to make sure I was repeating the right things and changing the right things each time.
I can imagine. Great job though
Thanks.
Had me thinking my computer screwed up with the repetition there for a second haha But sure worked indeed. Exploring the different ways until the wanted outcome comes to be.
Yeah, I was afraid I’d get a bunch of comments with people telling me I must have copied and pasted the story too many times. 😉
Great story! It was just creepy enough… and then the puppetmaster at the end tipped it into super-creepy!
I loved what you did with the repetition.
Thank you. It means so much that people are getting this story. I was so nervous to post it.
I LOVE this! It’s superb!
The deja vu + voodoo elements are captured via repetition AND in perfect sync!
My favourite story for this prompt.
*standing ovation moment*
Oh my goodness. Thank you so much. I’m so happy you enjoyed it.
I’ve been thinking about this piece and came back to read it again. I LOVE the way it unfolded.
I’m so glad. This right here is why all writers write. I’m glad I was able to entertain the WEP community with this story.
I thought the repetition was very effective. Upped the creepy factor a little each time and built towards the climax. Liked the voodoo doll element in the ending as well. Beautifully woven and a brilliant take on the prompt.
Thank you. I was trying to grow the creepy factor slowly. I didn’t want to just drop the knife right away. Glad I pulled it off.
Hi Toi – loved how you tied it all together … and had the Voodoo dolls at the end … a sister hiding under the table. The Champaign thing (word) worried me .. but now I see the connection – cleverly done … and you’ve more – which is great … I’ll enjoy those – cheers Hilary
Yes, the use of champaign was a risk. I knew it might throw a few readers off but I was afraid if I explained it right away, it would give away some of the build up. If I ever publish this, I’ll change the spelling for simplicity.
So Toi, just re read. I think you’ve absolutely nailed it this time!
Thank you Denise. I really appreciate that. This challenge has helped me grow so much as a writer. It inspires me in so many ways.
Hi, Toi…
You managed both themes BEAUTIFULLY!!!!!! Gorgeous imagery and writing. WELL DONE!
Thank you so much. I’m glad you enjoyed it.
The description of their physicality was very vivid. I was thinking it was about reincarnation at first and she was getting revenge for something that happened in a prior life. It did make it even more creepy that it was her sister playing with dolls.
I hadn’t considered reincarnation for this prompt but I may for a future prompt. I’m glad you liked it.
Lots to think about here, Toi, and you lived up to the prompt beautifully. You had me going with the word play at first, and then I got it.
I wonder if the sister was just having a good time? Or if she hated the champion for a reason? Or if she hated the ingenue and wanted to see her go down for murder?
Someone call Jodelle Ferland — there’s a new role for her to play! Seriously, that the actress I’m picturing with the dolls.
I keep the sister vauge on purpose. I think it adds to the creepy factor. I think it would be so cool to see one of my short stories portrayed on a show like The Twilight Zone or Outer Limits.
Great twist at the end!
Thank you.
Just the right amount of creepy, I think.
Thanks, I think… Lol, just kidding. 😉