I’ve never been a phobic kind of person, but I’m afraid of sickness right now. I just got over a very terrifying illness and people all around me are getting sick. My nephew has the flu and is healing well, but I’m fearful for him. I don’t like that he’s sick like that.
My job terrifies me. I work with children and have for five years, but this year has been unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. I feel like my skin is crawling, itching, and just trying to get away from my school building every time I walk in there. I have a job to do, but I just don’t know if it’s worth it. Things have just gotten so bad.
Sometimes when I come home I’m so exhausted, I literally pass out. Sometimes I feel so grimy and infested that I can’t do anything until every stich of my clothing has been removed and is hidden in the hamper, and I’ve had a hot shower. I’ve used more moisturizer this school year, so far, than I think I used in the last two years because I wash my hands so much and am trying to keep my skin from drying out.
Sometimes I think this new preoccupation with not getting sick makes it hard for me write. I used to have no problem finding my creative comfort zone at home, but now I sometimes find that I have to clean an area two or three times before I feel safe.
I’m aware of what’s happening to me and am doing my best not to let the fear get to me. I’m making a conscious effort not to obsess about my fear, but I don’t want to ignore it. After what I’ve been through, I will do whatever humanly possible to not go through that again. I want to be able to write and I want to be healthy, but I wonder if I am able to do both. All I want to do is writing my stories, but I guess you just can’t have what you want all the time, no matter how simple it may seem…but I’ll keep trying.